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Disorder and Birthday

Thu Apr 20, 2017, 8:07 AM


Hi there!

I'm very disappointed that my BiPo (Bipolar Disorder) went amok short before my birthday next week, usually it does that right AFTER my birthday every year. But I hope I can celebrate my birthday. More than ten of my friends said they will be there and I don't want to miss that. *fingers crossed*

It is now not that worse it was last week and I hope at least for next week it will be not so hard.

The most time of the day I watch twitch channels of digital artists, for example :iconbarn-swallow: and some of the german digital artists. While watching I do what the doctor said and I knot bracelets, because it calms me down. I hope I can care for all here soon :)

I wish you a wonderful day :wave:

:iconspiderglompplz:

Stock images courtesy of FairieGoodMother, AlaskaStock,
Esmeralda-stock, riktorsashen, YBsilon-Stock.
Design & coding by kuschelirmel-stock.

Journal Credits

Bipolar strikes back

Tue Apr 4, 2017, 8:16 PM
Hi there :(

my disorder is so bad today, that I know, this will be a hard summer for me. Maybe I can't care for my DA-Stuff. I can't do anything, just try not to destroy all I have build up within the last three years. Meds stopped working instantly since today and it is as bad as three years ago, when I needed to get professional help. But they won't help me today. I learned all what I could learned and now I need to remember that and hope for the best.

Don't worry, Nikita is watching me all the day, so I can't do something stupid. I just want that disorder to be gone, but well... :(

I worked so hard the last years and finally something changed and I could start living at least a have life. No it is taken away from me again and I' something between angry and tired and desperate. This will cost my whole summer again and I'm afraid that it will take even more months. Don't  know if I can stand it that long again without sleep, without peace.

I wished so hard that it would be controled now, but... I don't know, I just feel like loosing all I have hardly worked for. Everything set back to zero.

Can't say if or how often I will be online here and if I'm online I maybe only click through some stuff for distraction but don't answer or care for my groups. Sorry, but I just focus on surviving now.

Eivor - Great Music

Tue Mar 14, 2017, 4:21 AM


Something I found on youtube last week. This artist is amazing and I love the language!


Camp NaNoWriMo

Mon Mar 6, 2017, 2:51 AM
  • Listening to: Glennkill (Sheep-story)
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Person Of Interest Final Season
  • Playing: Banished
  • Eating: cheese and eggs
  • Drinking: Lemon Tea


Hi there!

Soon in April Camp NaNoWriMo starts and we are creating our own cabin (group) again. If you want to write with me, let me know your username on Camp NaNoWriMo and I'll invite you.

After all invitations are done at the end of march, we will open the cabin for random people.

NaNoWriMo Cabin for July 2017Hey! 
This year we will participate on NaNoWriMo in April 2017.
If you want to write on NaNoWriMo April, too, maybe you want to join our cabin then?
We are:
:iconandecaya: :iconnikitatarsov: :iconduchesseofdusk: :iconsela01:


Vacation was wonderful!

Sat Mar 4, 2017, 6:27 AM
Hey!

I'm back from vacation now and it was wonderfull. We stayed in a lovely little holliday appartment. The guest family was very friendly and all was so nicely done up!

If you search for a vacation place where you have peace and silence, then it is the right place for you. You can hike there and the landscape is beautiful! Also a nice historic city is near (15 car minutes) and also a castle ruin.

Here is the link, maybe you are interested now :D

www.fewo-direkt.de/ferienwohnu…

  • Listening to: Glennkill (Sheep-story)
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Person Of Interest Final Season
  • Playing: Torchlight II
  • Eating: cheese
  • Drinking: Maple Tea

Literature critique? YES always!

Fri Mar 3, 2017, 5:27 AM


Hey Hi!

you like to write but receive no or only very little feedback on dA?
You'd like to change that and wish for elaborate comments and critiques on your literature deviations?
Then this group :iconreadthine-readmine: is the right place for you!

In this group we exchange literature critiques on a regular basis.
The concept is very simple: You submit one of your texts and receive feedback by other group members. In the same time, you read the works of other members and give them feedback. We have regular reading rounds lasting about 7 weeks. That  means in these 7 weeks group members read your text and give you elaborate feedback. You, on the other hand, read the works of other members and leave them a critique. Afterwards you submit your next text and the next reading round starts.
If you don't have enough time, don't worry. We have a delay list for this purpose. You stay on that list until you have enough time to actively participate in the group again.

We accept literature deviations of all kinds like poems, prose and comics/ graphic novels. Mature Content is allowed as long as you mark it according to the rules of dA.

Interested? Then pay us a visit and look at the rules over here:  
Quick Start Rules for new members
The Rules - English
Die Regeln - Deutsch

Any questions? Simply leave a comment here below the journal or send a note to the group :) (Smile)

  • Listening to: Glennkill (Sheep-story)
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Falling Water (Amazon Prime Series)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: potatoes
  • Drinking: Water

Vacation is booked!

Sat Feb 18, 2017, 6:49 AM


Hey!

We made it. Everything worked fine and me and NikitaTarsov and Ilardion are on vacation at the end of the month for some days :squee:

Please be patient with comments and group stuff during those days :heart:

I wish you all a wonderful day.




BEST FAV TODAY:

Day 234 - dalek in pink by salvadorkatz



  • Listening to: Glennkill (Sheep-story)
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Falling Water (Amazon Prime Series)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: potatoes
  • Drinking: Water

Maybe on vacation

Sat Feb 11, 2017, 8:16 AM
Hey!

It seems that we will go on vacation at the end of the month. Only for a few days and not far away. Maybe a kind of RPG weekend ^^ allthough it is during the week.

They need to do some repairs in our house and this will be VERY loud - the whole day - over 3 days. So if everything works we will flee that noise to a quiet and beautiful holiday appartment. This would be our first vacation for years... (2012)

I'm very excited, because maybe we go togehter with a friend and this will be great!




Here is my favourite fav today:

The Cthulhu-Cupcake^^

CallOfCthulhu by BlueBitArt


  • Listening to: Glennkill (Sheep-story)
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Falling Water (Amazon Prime Series)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: potatoes
  • Drinking: Water

OMG This made my day!

Journal Entry: Tue Feb 7, 2017, 9:11 AM
Hi there!

I felt bad today, gastritis again and really bad mood (so well, it will pass by).

So I went to some photos on DA and oh my god, this one really made my day :heart:

Thank you BalochDesign for posting it on DA!

Baby feral domestic rabbit by BalochDesign

  • Listening to: Glennkill (Sheep-story)
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Falling Water (Amazon Prime Series)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: potatoes
  • Drinking: Water

A little bit better

Journal Entry: Sat Feb 4, 2017, 12:11 PM
Hi there!

I feel a little bit better now and the meds seem to work against the dizziness. On the other side is the problem, that since I was in the hospital, my Bipolar Disorder went amok. I lost my peace but also this seems to get better step by step.

So today I'm in quite a good mood.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend and a wonderful year 2017.

One of my favs that hit me today:

Youtube | Titanium by shellz-art

  • Listening to: Garbage - Only happy when it rains
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Falling Water (Amazon Prime Series)
  • Playing: Endless Legend
  • Eating: bun
  • Drinking: Himberry/Woodruff Tea

Offline for a while

Wed Jan 11, 2017, 4:03 PM
Hello!

I will be offline for a while, or only online for a few minutes.

I was in the hospital last sunday, and I still stay the most of the day in bed. Not sure what happened to me, but the ideas of the doctors are not that dangerous. But I don't know how long it will be until I can be back again.

Hope you are all alright and have a wonderful week!


  • Listening to: Peter Gundry
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Der Tatortreiniger (crime scene cleaner)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: bad pizza
  • Drinking: Himberry Spritzer

New PC and Doctor Problems

Wed Dec 14, 2016, 3:00 PM


Hey there!

Yay! :happybounce:
My new PC is running. It's soooo silent *happy* My old one sounded like a starting Boeing.
The harddrive is quite fast, faster than I expected (Western Digital 1TB BLACK)
The GeForce is really fun playing games :la:
This weekend I have to install DAZ Studio again and make it work (tooks quite a time until everything is like I want it to be) Then I will make the first renders with my new video card :D




But also bad news. Some of you know that I was looking for a doctor to help me with my health. I had an appointment today and I was very... VERY disappointed. The doctor was very nice, listened and talked to me, but the result was the same: You have a bipolar disorder, all your health problems are because of your depressions -.- I'm not really angry, but it just don't helps to repeat that everytime at every doctor. I know not all of my health problems are caused by my disorder, but the doctors say so without even looking. I know it's statistics, but I'm an indiviudal. Very disapointing.
I have to wait until next year for the next doctor -.- I cryed because of it. I know it is silly to cry about it, but since August I feel like only a quarter of me is left. I'm so terribly tired all the day... All the work that is not done and need to be done... And if nothing changes what should I do with my life?

Don't worry, I'm still not yet finished with this world. Next appointment is coming and maybe the next doctor has an idea. I'm not far enough to give up yet. But sometimes I cry anyway.

I hope you feel much better, I always think it is enough if one person feels bad, at least the others should feel good (yeah, God: listen to me!)

I wish you a wonderful christmas time and a wonderful time with your family and friends :heart:

Stock images courtesy of FairieGoodMother, AlaskaStock,
Esmeralda-stock, riktorsashen, YBsilon-Stock.
Design & coding by kuschelirmel-stock.

Journal Credits
  • Listening to: Peter Gundry
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Der Tatortreiniger (crime scene cleaner)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: bad pizza
  • Drinking: Himberry Spritzer

Send your fantasy on a journey

Mon Nov 28, 2016, 6:10 AM



  • Listening to: Peter Gundry
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Der Tatortreiniger (crime scene cleaner)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: bad pizza
  • Drinking: Himberry Spritzer

NEW PC :-)

Mon Nov 21, 2016, 6:08 AM
My new PC will soon be ordered and then put together by a friend.

The money was the main problem, so some things have to be upgraded during the next years. Also I wanted a SSD Harddrive but the money was not enough -.-

my new pc:

 - only a Intel Core I5 - 6600K (need to spare money)
 - ASUS Z170 PRO GAMING/AURA, Mainboard
 - RAM Corsair DIMM 16GB DDR4-2133 Kit
 - GP ASUS GeForce GTX 1070 DUAL OC

and of course some standard pieces like a DVD-drive, a Western Digital Harddrive 1TB (black), and a case by beQuiet.

I'm so excited, can't wait to render :la:

  • Listening to: BABYMETAL
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Der Tatortreiniger (crime scene cleaner)
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: Pasta
  • Drinking: Himberry Spritzer

Planning my Wedding

Fri Nov 18, 2016, 6:14 AM
Hi there!

Just want to freak out a little bit. I'm planning my wedding (2nd trial).

The last trial failed because all possible locations were not available any more. Also the band we wanted had stopped making music. On that time, my father would have paid the most of it, so our financial situation hadn't played a role.

Now we have to look about the money (we even can't pay the restaurant, everyone has to pay for its own.) And my health is bad, so we can't celebrate a long time and we can't invite so many people (also because of the money). Now the Wedding-Gremlin is back again. All locations are already blocked to our wedding date -.- AGAIN. I wonder what's wrong.

Our wedding date should be our anniversary what is halloween. So now everything is blocked already for that date (not because it is halloween). Also we have a special feast day on that date. Luther's posting of his theses 500th anniversary -.-

So maybe we try to marry 2018. Wonder what's wrong then.


  • Listening to: BABYMETAL
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Penguins of Madagascar
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: Pizza
  • Drinking: Maracuya-Mango-Orange Spritzer

Delay and PC Problems

Tue Nov 1, 2016, 5:10 AM


Profile | Gallery | Inbox

Heho!

My PC Harddrive will die soon. The new one is on the way and I will need some days to set up the new system and such. Until then I only have a slow Laptop and this will not be enough to load DeviantArt sites very often, so it will come to comment- and group submission delay.

I'm sorry for that.

If something expires, don't be afraid, as soon as my new system runs, I will request your works.

What really makes me angry is, that December/January I will get a complete new PC and short before that, my harddrive broke and I need to buy a new one -.- Well... Universe... why do you hate me so much?


  • Listening to: BABYMETAL
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Penguins of Madagascar
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: Pizza
  • Drinking: Maracuya-Mango-Orange Spritzer

Just something to share

Sat Oct 15, 2016, 12:13 PM
Mask Giveaway by Bueshang



Really scary and cool!!!
Though I'm not on Facebook.

  • Listening to: BABYMETAL
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Penguins of Madagascar
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: Pizza
  • Drinking: Maracuya-Mango-Orange Spritzer

care for health

Fri Sep 2, 2016, 7:13 AM
Heho!

So, for more than two weeks I take meds and.... well only a few (2) Symptoms went away, and 5 side effects had come. I now have migraine every third day, I have sleep attacks again, I'm so creative as a stone on the street and I really have the worst depression since the last two years. It feels like dying. I usually should increase the amount of medication next week, and then again a week later to reach the final amount, but I don't feel like waiting anymore. The whole year is over and I couldn't do anything. I have to wait until January for my symptoms to (maybe) disappear. And this is not sure. I'm so sick of waiting and I get more and more in a dangerous mood. My manic episodes aren't useful anymore, I only get the shit of it, mixed episodes manic AND fear or depression. I broke a plate by throwing it away because I lost the control over my mind, and my fiancé needed tools to get some of the shards out of the floor. I need to wait again for a life to live and I don't feel like having energy left to go through all of this again. I even have problems to speak well. I need to point on something to explain what I need/want because I don't remember words like fridge or spoon. I'm not able to do anything that takes time (like cooking water) without setting the alarm of my mobile phone for it. I feel like a nursing case. Why is life like shit for me year for year? Why do I have to carry more and more allthough I try to do all the right way? Does god hate me? I really start to hate my life. The thing that hurt most is that creativity is dead. I need to carry on and wait until it gets better but I cannot pass time with anything.

All is fucking shit 80% of the day, the other 20% I try to be a happy person, just to not forget how that feels. And then people tell me: Don't be unhappy, everything will went fine. Yeah. They tell me since two years, and where am I? It really hurts to hear this on and on because they don't allow you to say NO I DONT BELIVE IN THAT ANYMORE. To pretend not to think this is the hardest thing for me. Of course I just need to wait, but just because you logically know you just have to wait and try this and that before you can be sure, you don't feel it. I know it could be better in January, but I will only know it when it is January. And it's a long time until then when you are deeply depressed and unable to read, write, draw, be creative in any way. When you are unalbe to do the easiest house work. Today I'm again and again so near to letting all go. Why do I feel so alone allthough so many peopla are around that cares? Why after all this suffering I'm not able to feel better when someone says something nice? I just feel like: What you say is bullshit. I hate depression so much. It makes that you are unfair to the people who like you.

I just want a little bit back from my life. Only a little bit. But I feel like there is nothing left of me, allthough I can act like it would. Don't know what to say. Yes I need to go on, I need to be strong, but today is low bat. Like yesterday. And like tomorrow I guess. And I just want it to be January and everything is fine. But it wont. I waited last year for recovery, I waited the year before for recovery. And now... I can't lie again to my self what I really feel, that all is over, and that my health is gone forever. I have hard episodes where I loose control over myself and throw things and cry like a psychotic baby. I don't want anyone to see me like that, expecially I don't want to see myself like that.

And all the work that grows over my head. It buries me under more and more depressive feelings when I see what all had to be done and wasn't done because of my health.

My mother has own problems right now, but she talked to me like to a person who can go to work and feed a family and such. And when I say: Hey you forgot, I'm not able to do this anymore! She just said: I thought you were. Like we had never talked about it. But if you try not to stress everyone with your health condition they just forget that you are ill. And then you need to excuse and vindicate yourself. 

I'm so far away from that world these people (all people?) are living in right now that I feel I don't belong here anymore. That I should go. But where?



OLD MESSAGE §
So, tomorrow I start taking my meds. The dose is very high for beginning, so the pharmacist advised me to start with a half pill for some days and then start taking the whole pill every day. Usually you should start with 20mg and then they increase the amount of hormone step by step, but the doctor gave me 100mg pills. So even the half is a huge amount for starting with it. 

The pharmacist said I should expect rapid heartbeat, headache or even migraine the days when I start with the meds and also the days when I increase the amount of hormone.
In three months I should check my blood to see if the amount is too much for me or too less.

So I hope everything will not take too long. I'm so sick of feeling bad, tired and depressive.

If the amount of hormone is too much for me, I will have symptoms similar to the symptoms if I don't take meds -.- Very helpfull. So only the blood will show the truth in three months.
Also it could take up to 3 months until my symptoms disappear.

I'm so sick of waiting.

Hope you all have a good time, I don't want anyone to feel like me, and I'm happy for all of you that feel good, really :) 


OLD MESSAGE 2:
So today I was at the doctor and my thyroid gland got an medical ultrasound. Also they took my blood again.
The doctor said it looks like Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (chronic lymphocytic thyroditis - an autoimmune disease). Meds can make me feel better, but I have to wait until the blood was tested again, only then they can give me meds. I have to wait two weeks :faint:

I still cannot sit or stand for a longer time, my muscles starts shivering and looses all strength, so I have to lay down. I don't know how I should handle another two weeks on the couch. I'm bipolar, I have manias. I cannot sleep, I REALLY NEED TO DO SOMETHING! But I can't. Only on 1 or 2 hours per day I can sit and use my mind. Then I can't even write. I change letters, cannot read, cannot play - nothing. Never thought I could catch another uncurable disease after my bipolar disorder -.-



OLD MESSAGE 1:

Until the end of the year my main focus will be on caring for my health. 

This means I may comment less, submit less, answer slowly although I will be active on DA etc.

They took my blood today and on Monday I maybe know what's wrong. The doctor also said it might be hypothyroidism, but if and why is still not clear. If it is hypothyroidism, there will be several tests to find out why. And for that I maybe have to change the doctor and go to a specialist, where appointments are not accepted during the next weeks. So I will have to wait then and maybe I don't get meds until then to make me feel better.

The worst thing right now is, that 1 or 2 hours after I ate something, I get really tired, my muscles get so week that even sitting is a problem and often I start to shiver. All I want to do then is sleep, but my heart beats so fast and hard, that it is impossible. This takes up to 2 hours. And then soon, you have to eat again :faint: So all very frustrating. My moles got bigger and I got a lot of moles more during the last months. My concentration is low, when I feel bad, I can't read, and sometimes even don't be able to watch TV. My memory is not working good, I forget things all the day and if I read something, I maybe forgot the first page when I come to the third page. I feel like someone has taken my IQ. -.-

My creativity is very low these days, also because of the hypothyroidism, and every time I open a PSD file or a DAZ Project I feel like "nahhhhhh.... I want to sleep". So don't expect much of me.

I'm a lit scared, the usual cause for a hypothyroidism in my age is Hashimoto, and not a small number of hashimoto patients have all these symptoms also when they get meds. Wasn't the bipolar disorder enough? I'm not very happy about getting more and more meds to swallow for the rest of my life.

I'm quite unhappy now, but I don't know how this will end, so I pray for a littlebit better life.

I wish you all a wonderful day :hug:
Thanks for being with me.


  • Listening to: Ripper Street OST
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Shaun The Sheep
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: Glass Noodles
  • Drinking: Apple Spritzer

inactivity

Journal Entry: Sun Aug 28, 2016, 7:01 AM
Hello!

Sorry for my inactivity on groups, comments etc. Our internet only works randomly (service comes tomorrow... At least we hope so (TELEKOM)) and we have a heat wave - 91.4° to 96.8°F (33-36°C). So don't feel very good right now, way to hot for me. Our appartment is an oven :faint:

So sorry, please be patient. :)

  • Listening to: BABYMETAL
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Burn Notice
  • Playing: Torchlight II
  • Eating: Wraps
  • Drinking: Tea

Another Crocodile Tears Journal

Thu Aug 18, 2016, 5:22 AM
Hi there!

My health is worse these days and I need to go to a specialist. It seems that besides my Bipolar Disorder and my endometriosis I have another health problem. I wonder when this will finally end. It's not sure but it seems I have an "internal" problem with lungs, heart or thyroid gland. That's why I feel so tired and weak all the time. Maybe my meds caused a damage on the lungs or thyroid gland or my heart has a problem (which can cause water in the lungs). The heart is a genetical problem to both sides of my family (father's side and mother's side).

I have to wait until I get an appointment at the doctor and I feel very unsure and doubtful because of the depression and I'm not sure if it is a depression from my bipolar disorder or the result of my other health problems.

It's so hard to wait. I'm afraid it is already cancer on my thyroid gland. But at the same time I think it is bullshit to think that. -.- All these stop-go thoughts make me really tired. I wonder when this carousel will stop in my head.

I know these are all crocodile tears, all silly thoughts. I just have to wait until the doctor says something. But I wish it would be already over and I would know what's going on with me. :faint:

Wish me luck.

I wish you all a wonderful day :hug: Thanks for caring.

  • Listening to: BABYMETAL
  • Reading: Tom Clancy - In Hunt For Red October
  • Watching: Burn Notice
  • Playing: Torchlight II
  • Eating: Wraps
  • Drinking: Tea