So, for more than two weeks I take meds and.... well only a few (2) Symptoms went away, and 5 side effects had come. I now have migraine every third day, I have sleep attacks again, I'm so creative as a stone on the street and I really have the worst depression since the last two years. It feels like dying. I usually should increase the amount of medication next week, and then again a week later to reach the final amount, but I don't feel like waiting anymore. The whole year is over and I couldn't do anything. I have to wait until January for my symptoms to (maybe) disappear. And this is not sure. I'm so sick of waiting and I get more and more in a dangerous mood. My manic episodes aren't useful anymore, I only get the shit of it, mixed episodes manic AND fear or depression. I broke a plate by throwing it away because I lost the control over my mind, and my fiancé needed tools to get some of the shards out of the floor. I need to wait again for a life to live and I don't feel like having energy left to go through all of this again. I even have problems to speak well. I need to point on something to explain what I need/want because I don't remember words like fridge or spoon. I'm not able to do anything that takes time (like cooking water) without setting the alarm of my mobile phone for it. I feel like a nursing case. Why is life like shit for me year for year? Why do I have to carry more and more allthough I try to do all the right way? Does god hate me? I really start to hate my life. The thing that hurt most is that creativity is dead. I need to carry on and wait until it gets better but I cannot pass time with anything.
All is fucking shit 80% of the day, the other 20% I try to be a happy person, just to not forget how that feels. And then people tell me: Don't be unhappy, everything will went fine. Yeah. They tell me since two years, and where am I? It really hurts to hear this on and on because they don't allow you to say NO I DONT BELIVE IN THAT ANYMORE. To pretend not to think this is the hardest thing for me. Of course I just need to wait, but just because you logically know you just have to wait and try this and that before you can be sure, you don't feel it. I know it could be better in January, but I will only know it when it is January. And it's a long time until then when you are deeply depressed and unable to read, write, draw, be creative in any way. When you are unalbe to do the easiest house work. Today I'm again and again so near to letting all go. Why do I feel so alone allthough so many peopla are around that cares? Why after all this suffering I'm not able to feel better when someone says something nice? I just feel like: What you say is bullshit. I hate depression so much. It makes that you are unfair to the people who like you.
I just want a little bit back from my life. Only a little bit. But I feel like there is nothing left of me, allthough I can act like it would. Don't know what to say. Yes I need to go on, I need to be strong, but today is low bat. Like yesterday. And like tomorrow I guess. And I just want it to be January and everything is fine. But it wont. I waited last year for recovery, I waited the year before for recovery. And now... I can't lie again to my self what I really feel, that all is over, and that my health is gone forever. I have hard episodes where I loose control over myself and throw things and cry like a psychotic baby. I don't want anyone to see me like that, expecially I don't want to see myself like that.
And all the work that grows over my head. It buries me under more and more depressive feelings when I see what all had to be done and wasn't done because of my health.
My mother has own problems right now, but she talked to me like to a person who can go to work and feed a family and such. And when I say: Hey you forgot, I'm not able to do this anymore! She just said: I thought you were. Like we had never talked about it. But if you try not to stress everyone with your health condition they just forget that you are ill. And then you need to excuse and vindicate yourself.
I'm so far away from that world these people (all people?) are living in right now that I feel I don't belong here anymore. That I should go. But where?
OLD MESSAGE §
So, tomorrow I start taking my meds. The dose is very high for beginning, so the pharmacist advised me to start with a half pill for some days and then start taking the whole pill every day. Usually you should start with 20mg and then they increase the amount of hormone step by step, but the doctor gave me 100mg pills. So even the half is a huge amount for starting with it.
The pharmacist said I should expect rapid heartbeat, headache or even migraine the days when I start with the meds and also the days when I increase the amount of hormone.
In three months I should check my blood to see if the amount is too much for me or too less.
So I hope everything will not take too long. I'm so sick of feeling bad, tired and depressive.
If the amount of hormone is too much for me, I will have symptoms similar to the symptoms if I don't take meds -.- Very helpfull. So only the blood will show the truth in three months.
Also it could take up to 3 months until my symptoms disappear.
I'm so sick of waiting.
Hope you all have a good time, I don't want anyone to feel like me, and I'm happy for all of you that feel good, really
OLD MESSAGE 2:
So today I was at the doctor and my thyroid gland got an medical ultrasound. Also they took my blood again.
The doctor said it looks like Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (chronic lymphocytic thyroditis - an autoimmune disease). Meds can make me feel better, but I have to wait until the blood was tested again, only then they can give me meds. I have to wait two weeks
I still cannot sit or stand for a longer time, my muscles starts shivering and looses all strength, so I have to lay down. I don't know how I should handle another two weeks on the couch. I'm bipolar, I have manias. I cannot sleep, I REALLY NEED TO DO SOMETHING! But I can't. Only on 1 or 2 hours per day I can sit and use my mind. Then I can't even write. I change letters, cannot read, cannot play - nothing. Never thought I could catch another uncurable disease after my bipolar disorder -.-
OLD MESSAGE 1:
Until the end of the year my main focus will be on caring for my health.
This means I may comment less, submit less, answer slowly although I will be active on DA etc.
They took my blood today and on Monday I maybe know what's wrong. The doctor also said it might be hypothyroidism, but if and why is still not clear. If it is hypothyroidism, there will be several tests to find out why. And for that I maybe have to change the doctor and go to a specialist, where appointments are not accepted during the next weeks. So I will have to wait then and maybe I don't get meds until then to make me feel better.
The worst thing right now is, that 1 or 2 hours after I ate something, I get really tired, my muscles get so week that even sitting is a problem and often I start to shiver. All I want to do then is sleep, but my heart beats so fast and hard, that it is impossible. This takes up to 2 hours. And then soon, you have to eat again
So all very frustrating. My moles got bigger and I got a lot of moles more during the last months. My concentration is low, when I feel bad, I can't read, and sometimes even don't be able to watch TV. My memory is not working good, I forget things all the day and if I read something, I maybe forgot the first page when I come to the third page. I feel like someone has taken my IQ. -.-
My creativity is very low these days, also because of the hypothyroidism, and every time I open a PSD file or a DAZ Project I feel like "nahhhhhh.... I want to sleep". So don't expect much of me.
I'm a lit scared, the usual cause for a hypothyroidism in my age is Hashimoto, and not a small number of hashimoto patients have all these symptoms also when they get meds. Wasn't the bipolar disorder enough? I'm not very happy about getting more and more meds to swallow for the rest of my life.
I'm quite unhappy now, but I don't know how this will end, so I pray for a littlebit better life.
I wish you all a wonderful day
Thanks for being with me.